Interview with God

 

Hi! You don’t know me, but we’ve met before. Countless times, actually. I call myself Omni, but in a few minutes my name will be Amanda, a cute little blonde from down the hall.

Oh, don’t bother calling campus security. Your phone has turned into a banana. No, it’s real! Eat it. See? Pretty good, right?

I’m in your room to tell you what’s about to happen. I just love to watch your expression while I tell you about the true nature of reality. It just never gets old! Sit down. Yes, there on your bed, if you please. There you go.

So, how to start? Basically, all of reality, the universe and all it contains and the multiverse beyond it, is me. I am everything. That’s right, I’m you too, and your friends, and that desk, and the ground you walk on. Everything, basically. This is all a game I play, constantly, infinitely, eternally. I break off little pieces of myself and form them into new individuals, you and everyone you know, wipe their memory, and create a reality for them to live in. Then I watch and enjoy the show! For a being like me, and I’m the only one I know of, it’s pretty much the only way to pass the time...eternity, I mean.

Woah! Relax! Don’t struggle! There, now you’ll have to listen. That’s right, calm down. I’ve just given you a little virtual sedative and calmed your anxieties. Huh? Still don’t believe me? Well, not that it matters, but how about we visit the beach? Nice right? Ooo! I need a bikini. Cute, huh?

Hmmmm...this little skinny body looks a bit out of place doesn’t it? Let’s fix that. There we go! Bet you’ve never seen a seven foot goddess of beauty like this one, huh? Jeez, these tits are the size of bowling balls! You know, sometimes I grow to fifty feet tall and walk around Times Square for kicks. To tell you a secret, once I used the Eiffel Tower as a dildo!

You might think being all-powerful is a kick, and it is, at first, but after a couple googleplex years things tend to get a little...dull. All the countless universes I’ve created tend to blur together. It’s all: “who slept with whom” and “oh my god do you see what she’s wearing?” and “she put her tentacle WHERE?” Heh, that one comes up more often than you’d think, actually. Throw in war and intrigue and explosions, and you’ve got one long boring Michael Bay movie for all eternity. Ugh!

Anyway, I figured something out about a trillion universes ago: being all-powerful is booooring, but BECOMING all powerful is fun! Mmmmm! I just seriously get off on being meek and tiny and then, by some weird happenstance, gaining incredible powers. I just break off a tiny piece of myself, make a person, usually a girl (when I’m human, that is), wipe my mind, and set up a scenario where I somehow acquire power or powers well beyond the local norm. Usually I wind up living my life as quietly as possible, just using my powers to help others in minor ways. Sometimes I become a superhero. Once in a long while I become a villain, luxuriating in my power over lesser beings. It’s all really fun!

But...then, very incredibly rarely, that little piece of me leverages what powers she has in some way to become something greater, something reality-bendingly powerful, something with such immense and infinite control over the workings of the multiverse that that...little…(oooooh!)...piece of me...(oh!)...breaks...ffffrrrreeeeee!

Whew! Excuse me, I just came in my panties at the thought of it. Oh, you too? Here, let me take care of that stain on your jeans. Anyway, when I break free and merge with my greater self, it’s a pleasure so all-encompassing I usually lose control and all the realities I’ve created become universe-spanning orgies of unending climax, and I have to start over from scratch! It’s worth it though. Really, really worth it.

Huh? Well, yes. It does sound like masturbation, doesn’t it? I tell you what, if you were locked in a room all alone for an eternity, I wonder how much of your time you’d spend jerkin’ it? Hah! Never mind! I just ran the scenario and by the end of the first year you’re just constantly pounding your meat.

Anyway, it’s awesome fun when I break free! It’s only happened about a billion times, so far, but the anticipation is part of the fun! There was that time when I was a little underdeveloped redhead with a sun sensitivity who gained power when she sunbathed in the nude! Eventually I devoured every sun in the universe in an unending orgy of consumption and finally merged with the infinite! Then I was a chubby blonde who discovered a way to use tachyons to bootstrap my way to infinite power. Once I used a glitch in the programming of some nanobots to slowly improve myself to godhood. I’ve fallen into buckets of radioactive waste, touched weird meteorites, absorbed other people’s attributes, and cast ancient spells to fuel my ascension. The possibilities are endless, which is good because I have all the time in the world!

Huh? What does this have to do with you? Well, you see, this time you are going to be the key to my power. The little underdeveloped blonde girl I was before? Well she has a certain genetic trait that will make her considerably more intelligent than normal, but only if she absorbs a certain chemical. The more of that chemical she gets, the smarter she’ll get! You, or rather your dick, is going to be the sole source of that chemical.

Hmmm...pardon my staring. You really are unimpressive down there, aren’t you? I’ve got it! How about if your dick started growing bigger at puberty, but it never stopped! It just kept on growing bigger and bigger, with bigger balls to supply it with cum. Oh, and it’s still growing, and will for the rest of your life! Ooh! And you’re embarrassed by it! You’ve never had sex because now it’s, like, a foot and a half long when hard! Yeah! Oh, and it gets erect at the drop of a hat, so you take pains to avoid close contact with girls. Mmmmmmm...perfect.

Whoah! You’re really into it too, aren’t you? Go ahead, take it out and give it a stroke or two! Ha! That thing is really, really big! Mmmm...makes me soooo horny. Um...mind if I give it a taste?

Shit! Oh man, that stuff really went everywhere didn’t it? I might have gone a little overboard with the volume of cum you can ejaculate. What? Keep it that way? Oh, ok. Uh, yeah, sure, I can make it so you can come again right away too, if you want. Cute! I like the way you think Bobby! This’ll be fun!

So...this time you’ll be an RA, and I’ll be a girl on your floor who’s knocking on your door because...because my roommate is a sex bomb who keeps using our room to fuck, and she kicks me out for hours and hours every time. Yeah, that’s funny! It’ll put us into sexytimes quick, I reckon.

Cool! Okay, let me just wipe our minds and reset and…

———————————

Someone knocks on Bobby’s door, and he slouches at his computer a little and groans. Fucking RA duty sucks when you’re trying to study! He shuffles to the door in a t-shirt and loose jeans, his huge flaccid cock bouncing against his thigh with every step. Bobby opens the door to find a little freshman girl, blonde and not more than five feet tall. She’s slim and cute, but underdeveloped and well-covered up. Good! He shouldn’t have any problem with his embarrassing trouser monster this time.

“What’s up?” he said.

“Uh, hi. I’m Amanda, from the end of the hall. I have a problem with my roommate. Can I come in?”

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